Regrets Unmade
by sleipnirfenris
Summary: DH SPOILERS!  Wow hard not to have spoilers in the summary.  Remus leaves Grimmauld Place and ponders what harry says.  The only problem is, he runs into a little trouble.  Remustonks.


Title - REGRETS UNMADE

b Disclaimer - i do not own harry potter or any of it's characters. they belong to J.K.Rolwing and Bloomsbury etc. this story contains quotes and will be indicated as such. /b 

i "Oh, I don't know, Hermoine," said Harry. 'I'd be pretty ashamed of him." (HP 7- The Bribe - page 176) /i 

The man flushed as he rembered those words. He had just stumbled out of the dark house wrapped with it's dark history. His breathing was fast and the anger burned around his heart. Apparating away from such cruelty he appeared in a field not far from his home. Tears peirced his eyes as he held them back. Falling to his knees he let out a wolfish howl. He shook uncontrollably unable to escape his dark monstrous thoughts.

He's right.

No. He shook his head.

You could kill them.

I wouldn't.

You will.

He shook his head again before standing up. The man looked around to see that only the trees witnessed the crumbling of a long instated wall. He never thought that Harry Potter would be the one to demolish it. With so few words.

How had this happened? He only wanted to help. AFter the horrible disaster with the werewolves last year, it was the only thing he could do. Lupin fumbled with his wand blowing his door off the hinges. Growling in frustration he kicked the nearest table. Impatiently he repaired the damage and headed for the bathroom.

The toilet, the shower, the pale blue tiles melted from view. Replacing it was his worst nightmare. He hadn't told anyone. No one could possibly understand. It was all here, locked inside his head...

_ i Fenrir Greyback stood infront of the slighter man gazing at him with a disturbingly hungry look. "So you saw sense then?" His eyes never left the other's decivingly calm eyes. _

_Remus nodded once. refraining from looking at the ground he maintained a steady gaze with the monster that had corrupted him. The reason for his miserable life. "I've had enough. Their arrogance and intolerance is something I will not longer accept. Humans must change or we'll change them." he said with a convincing smirk._

_Fenrir got up and appraoched him. He could feel is hot breath on his cheeks as he suppressed a shudder. With a hand on his shoulder Greyback chuckled. "Good." /i _

That was the beginning of the horror, the pain and the sorrow. With no contact with the outside world, things just spiraled out of control. He wasn't sure how it had happened. He wasn't even sure _when_, but it did. And no one noticed. Why should they? Why would anyone notice that a werewolf was depressed?

They don't have feelings like other people.

They weren't even whole human. They were worse. Much worse. Regarded slightly higher than house elves.

Probably lower. said that awful cold voice again.

Not true.

Remus looked into the mirror and saw the shadow of the wolf upon his features. He took long deep breaths determined to calm down. Anything to stop the wolf. Anything to keep him at bay. Remus was sick to the stomach at the thought of being like Fenrir. He gagged at the thought of people saying he was like...like that monstor. Anger surged through him again making the wolf stronger. Growling again he smashed the mirror. Smiling hollowly as the glass sliced his skin, the wolf in him brushed of the pain.

Remus Lupin didn't even bother to heal the many slashes on his palm.

_ i "My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?" (HP 7 - The Bribe, Page 176 (Harry)) /i _

Tears poured from Remus's eyes, obscuring his vision. "Harry, you forget that your father was an Auror and was famous for being against You-Know-Who. He did everything he could to stop him. It was only when they knew for certain you were his sole target that he reluctantly went into hiding. And I'll tell you this - he hated it." said Lupin more to reassure himself that he had done the right thing. The tears irrirated his skin so he wiped them with his robes. Sobbing he left the bathroom and stumbled to the living area and crashed onto the couch.

_ i "Oi Moony!," cried James from behind. Moony refused to look up. James walked over to him and crouched by his bed in the dorm. "Hey," he said gently. "We are here for you no matter what," /i _

Grief for his friends weighed upon him like a crushing weight. For the second time in his life he was alone. Utterly lost. This time with no Lily to show him the light. This time with no James to tell him everything will be ok. This time with no Dumbledore to guide him or Sirius to make him laugh. Clawing at his face, his sharp nails left more scratches upon the skin. Grabbing his hair he rocked backwards and forwards, gulping down air.

You only cry because it's true.

I cry because it hurts.

I cry because I've refused to for so long. I ddin't cry when Sirius died, i knew he wouldn't want that. I knew he'd want laughter. but i couldn't give him that. I couldn't laugh after I lost him too. AFter I knew what Dumbledore wanted me to do. The werewolf he wanted me to face. Dumbledore could be cruel when it came to the greater good.

You cry because you'd rather slaughter them than your wife and chid.

I care for them.

Not enough.

What?

YOur reckless. Where would you go at the Full Moon. Hope they can learn to be Anamagi by the time you transform?

_ i "I'd never have believed this," Harry said. "The man who taught me to fight Dementors - a coward." (HP 7 - The Bribe, page 176)_

_The werewolves were getting rowdy. So many of them packed together was never a good idea. In the camps it was always by force. Everyone too ill to fight, too weak to do much of anything. But here, under Fenrir's control, vicious brawls broke out all the time. Remus tucked himself into a corner as a shadow advanced on him menacingly. He feined a doze, but truthfully he was always awake. Always watchful. Always waiting. The Shadow grabbed the front of his tattered roves and hauled him up. Swaying on his feet his head snapped around with the rough slap. focusing he saw Greyback right before him, his body rippling with silver scars. HI cold eyes surveyed Remus for a second more. "Innitiation," he grinned cruelly before dragging Remus off and threw him in the middle of a circle cheering werewolves. /i _

Remus shuddered and shook. He lifted his trembling hands to his face and rested his head in them. The fear he felt that day shot through him once more. He released a shaky breath supressing the memories. Memories that he had forced himself to forget, to never remember, never to talk about, never to share.

_ i "I'd have never have believed t his,' Harry said. 'This man who taught me to fight Dementors - a coward." (HP7 - The Bribe pages 176) /i _

He was right. He was totally right. I am a coward.

You're weak. A fool

I can't handle this right now. Not now.

Flashes of the dead seared across Remus's mind. Dumbledore, Lily, Mad Eye, James, Sirius, his parents, family, despite being alive Frank and Alice's laughter jingled in his ears. Remus Lupin struggled to draw breath as his lonliness came crashing down upon him. Drowning him. Choking him.

Suddenly his fire place flared before him, illimunating his pink blotchy face. Out stepped Kingsley Shaklebolt dressed in the bluest robes he had seen in his life. Kingsley had already started talking but Remus, still struggling to breath, waved feebly at him. Realising something was wrong, the Auror turned to where Lupin sat hauling in air. Kingsley softly sat beisde him and rubbed his back gently, easing the flow.

"I take it you found them then?" said Kingsley in his rich tones - more a statement than a question.

SPuttering Remus nodded breathing more slowly and evenly. "They are fine, for now. They are at Grimmauld Place. They were tracked by Death Eaters in Tottenham Court Road," Kingsley looked at him sharply opening his mouth. "I know! They wondered if Harry still had the Trace on him but..."

Kingsley sat and looked at him fora while. "That's not why you're upset." he stated trying to coax an answer out of the private man. He watched as Remus shook his head and held it in his hands. Rocking backwards and forwards he, for the most part, didn't say anything. "Remus, you'll feel better if you talk to me about it,"

"Maybe I don't want to feel better!" he snapped instantly regretting those words. Closing his eyes in emotional pain, he didn't see Shacklebolt's taken aback expression. Anger from Remus Lupin was as rare as a flying pig. Kingsley looked up to see an owl ouside flying towards the window.

"Remus, are you expecting any mail?" he asked.

Remus looked up sharply. Cautiously he followed the Auror to the window. Quickly they grabbed their wands when they saw the colour of the owl - it was black.

Shaking Lupin fiddled with the window latch. Finally opening the window the owl graciously landed inside his house. For a moment he didn't move. For a moment the time seemed to stop as they held their breaths. Kinglsey stepped infront of Remus, snatched the letter and immediatly began muttering counter jinxes and charms to reveal hexes and curses. Announcing it harmless he looked to the emotional man. "Shall I?"

Remus shook his head and slowly reached for the letter. Gasping he noticed at once the outside was rimmed with silver. Carefully he opened it revealing a new piece of parchment.

_** b Love your wife? Not want any harm to come to her? Do as we say or your wife goes nighty night.**_

_**Give up the information we need. You are **__**losing**__**. Remember werewolf her life rests in your hands. Refuse and you have blood on your hands because you could have prevented it.**_

_**Fenrir Greyback**_

_**P.S you have 10 seconds /b **_

Trembling Remus fell to his knees as he passed the letter to Kingsley. By the time he read it cracks were heard outside and the structure shook as the wards came crashing down.

His Auror training kicked in and he grabbed Remus, hauling him to his unsteady feet. Already masked Death Eaters assualted the house, crashing down the door and barging in. Spinning around Kingsley hurled curses and hexes towards the intruders. Working double time to protect a distraught Remus, he was caught be a curse and tripped over the table.

This is it. The end.

They are going to kill your family. Either way, you know that don't you?

No.

Oh yes they will. But that's what you wanted isn't it? No family, free to go off on any adventures, no one to blame you.

"NO!" yelled Remus jumping to his feet. "Expelliarmus! Protego! Augumenti sevretum!" turning momentarily he checked on Kingsley. The bigger man grinned as he pointed to the fire place that they were being backed into. "You first!" cried Remus throwing himself infront of Kingsley. He felt a hand pull him roughly and shove him in the fire place. Before he could protest the powder was thrown in and the flames turned to a flickering green. Looking at Kingsely dumbly he shook his head.

"Don't be stupid Remus! It's you they are after. You have a wife to protect don't you? Just GO!" yelled Kingsley whilst firing red, green and purple jinxes at the blacked robed wizards. By a stroke of genius he fired a tripping hex sending them spiraling into each other like dominoes before fleeing right after Remus.

In a flurry of dust and coal he became aware that he had exited and now had a wand in his face. Pointing his wand at him was Remus. "What style of music do I like?" he demanded.

Kingsely used to the questioning thought for a moment. It had been a long time since anyone in the Order had talked socially. Though he liked Remus, the man had never been too open with anyone apart from Sirius or Harry. "Classical," he decided.

"How did they get through the wards?" asked Remus distraughtly, wringing his hands.

"How did we pick the same location?" replied Kingsley attemtping to take Remus's mind off the realisation he may have just killed his wife. He could only watch as the walls crumbled, as Remus collapsed to his knees pulling at his hair. Screaming his anguish he pounded his legs with his fists. He wrapped his arms around his stomach and stared at the floor.

Kinglsey looked around to see, thankfully, they were the only ones in the pub. The Leak Cauldron appeared to be deserted with little or no customers.

Less and less people were leaving their homes.

More and more locked themselves in, casting wards and praying they never see the dark mark hovering above their loved ones houses. The second war was just was bad as the first. It was beginning all over again. "Remus," started the dark man. "Let's go," gently he pulled Remus to his feet and apparated him away.

After a moment's suffocation they appeared right outside the wards that protected the place where Tonks was meant to be. "We both know you have to know," he whispered leading him to the house. The giant door barred their way. Knocking and waiting they stood outside in the flourishing garden. Grass was dotted by flowers or the brightest colours. Roses ran along the path and trees guarded the house from view. Then there was a shout from behind the door.

"Who is it?"

"Kingsley Shacklebolt and Remus Lupin," said the Auror, glancing at the panicking man.

There was a squeal and a series of clicks. A silohuette of a woman appeared before them. Her pink hair turned a dull blue upon seeing the look her husband bore. Obviously forgetting completely that your meant to ask a question she took her lover into her arms. Remus clung to her, kissing her mouth desperately. One hand stroked his head as the other pulled him into a hug. Kissing her again, he whipsered against her mouth.

"I love you,"

"i Love you too," she whispered back before closing the door.


End file.
